alright this is really starting to annoy me
how my mind is going through this cycle of happiness and depresssion. jesus christ make up yuour mind
why did i even think i had the slightest chance?
like really…how would even look at me that way.
i just went from being reletivly happy, right back to where ive been for years.
at least i got a few days of smiling again
no comes the part where i wish i knew what i was doing, or even how to do what i want to
damn you social awkwardness for making me not prepared for this
i really wish this works the way i want it to
The more im left alone the more i think
Idk what to do. Do i pursue this further, or do i go back to how it was befote. Im beginning to wish i never said anything. Im gonna have to make a coice…and i hope it doesnt change anything too much
theres alot of things i wanna say to alot of people.
i got this feeling, and its a good one
i havn’t felt anything like it in a long time. its pretty good
the more i think of this the crazier it seems
probably still gonna shoot for it anyway
im sorry
i never really said to anyone how i feel about everything that happened. im not mad at anyone besides myself. everytime somebody says stay positive it happens to everyone, everybody ahs their fuck up moment, i just nod. on the inside i know that i dissapointed so many people. my family, my friends, my instructors, my teachers. i worked so hard to build up a reputation, which is basically destroyed now. even if people say its not. what kills me the most, which it shouldnt, is karate. i am a third degree blackbelt. one of the top ranked members of my school, and the longest training student by a few years. that place is like my second family. my life. with everything thats happening, not only did i poorly reflect upon the school, i reflected poorly on my upbringing. because karate is why i am who i am. even if i was offered a job to work there and teach there now, i would decline. i do not want people looking up to me anymore. i do not want to represent anything anymore. i dont deserve my belt, my rank. honestly if my instructor said to me im taking away your rank, i would agree and know i deserve it. i let everyone down.
now with all that being said. it is my hopes that this one thing goes so well that i have no reason to complain. it probably wont, by im not gonna give up yet. i more than likely will fuck something up somewhere like i normally do with these types of things, but i will try not to. its been a long time since i had to go through this. i have to make sure i dont make my previous mistakes, while still being me. i dont expect anything to come of it, but i do hope something happens. its a very balls out feeling that came out of nowhere. we shall see where it takes me
Random Daze theme by Polaraul
